Harry Potter and the Really Bad Fanfic
by aretaraer
Summary: Harry gets caught in a combination of the worst fanfics about him ever written. Can he get out before he goes insane? *Note-this is not an example of my true skill! Note the genre 'Parody', ***COMPLETED*** (Sequel Coming Soon)
1. Voldemort Gets Revenge

Harry Potter and the Really Bad Fanfic  
  
-AUTHOR'S NOTE- Note: I normally, when not under the influence of sugar, do not write like this. This is to poke fun at all the fanfics about Harry Potter that have little or no grammar and no plot. So to all those terrible fanfics out there, this is for you. --  
  
Harry Potter checked his watch, the Dursleys should have hit the freeway right about now. The house was dark and silent, like the air outside. Finally, he was alone. He jumped out of the covers that covered his miserable excuse for a bed, and crept towards the kitchen. The Dursleys may have not been there physically, but they had succeeded in leaving Harry with a paranoid mind. Despite the controlling power his favorite two words had on them, 'Sirius Black'. On his way downstairs, his eyes flashed to Dudley's room. The computer was still on.  
  
Harry walked towards it, intent on turning it off. If the Dursleys caught him here, he'd be dead. If he didn't turn it off, the Dursleys would blame it on him. He rubbed his scar, it had been hurting last night. Voldemort was probably up to something, but the rumbling in his stomach drove that from his mind. Reaching towards the mouse, his eyes scanned the screen. Something seemed amiss. It was on a fanfic site. This was reading, something that Dudley despised.  
  
Intent on finding out what his cousin was doing, he sat down on the chair. A small link blinked across the screen, this was no site that Dudley would ever create. His eyes squinted to read the fine writing, a link to 'Harry Potter and the Really Bad Fanfic'. Something was wrong. Definitely wrong. His name was on the screen. He might as well see what was there, little did he know the foolish act he had committed. Somewhere, Voldemort chuckled, the plan was going well. He flicked his wand onto his computer, to connect with Harry's. Too bad Harry never learned Internet Safety Rule #1, never click on a fanfic about yourself. - Harry screamed so loud that no one could hear him, the world was going darker and darker and then, he was on the Hogwarts Express. But something seemed amiss. He looked to Ron and Hermione, "Ron, Hermione! How did you get here?" Hermione blushed and giggled, "I thinks I want to join Quidditch Cheerleading. I like the skirts." Ron looked angry at her, and held her hand. "I love you, Hermi." Hermione started to cry, "But I love someone else." Her eyes fluttered in the direction of a trollish snake near the back, by the name of Draco.  
  
At this point, Harry knew something was seriously disturbed. "Uh.is this a prank?" Draco and his cronies walked in, "I hate you Harry Potter. I am a rich kid, you are not. Yours parents is dead, and I will become the best Death Eater and rule the world." Crabbe and Goyle smiled to each other, and gave each other a hug in their joy. Harry whipped out his wand, "Stupefy!"  
  
Nothing happened. Hermione pulled out hers, "Jello Attack-io!" A huge glob of that nasty purple jello spurted out of her wand and landed on Draco.  
  
"Ah! Jello! It is eating my's eyes! It is sticky and purple!" He said this while running around in a circle, Crabbe and Goyle started to cry. Their hearts are broken.  
  
Harry sat as far away from them as possible, things were really odd. Hermione piped up, "I am the smartest girl in school. And that is my smartest spell. I will graduate and you will marry me Draco, because I am pretty." Draco wiped off the last of the Jello, and grabbed the scruff of Harry's shirt.  
  
"You are mean. I will punch you and hurt you badly. Then I will go to detention. Then I will take over the school, and curse everyone who is not cool. I am cool. Especially not Dumble-y-dore. If you were cool, like me. You would be cool."  
  
Ron started to eat, shoving undescribable amounts of weird-looking food in his mouth.  
  
"I love Mickey-D's. It is very high in cholestorol."  
  
Harry glanced around, happy that they finally reached Hogwarts. His friends appeared to be mental, of course, that was normal for Ron, but not to this extent. Little did our scarred hero know as he entered the castle, the horrors that await.. 


	2. The Chosen Ones!

AUTHOR'S NOTE No, I do NOT write like this. This was meant as a joke. If you can't take a joke, don't read it. I obviously do not own these characters, because if I did I would've written the fifth book right now. If you think I'm selling this, you must be crazy because no one would buy it! Enjoy!!  
  
Chapter Two: The Chosen Ones!  
  
Harry stepped into the Great Hall, and everyone clapped. "Hurray for Harry! Harry is Harry Potter!" But Draco looked angry. He whispered to Harry, "Grr.I will enact my revenge on yous. When I am Death Eater of Coolness."Hermione held Harry's hand, Harry pulled away, to Hermione's anger. "Why did you pull away? You do not like me?" Before he could answer, Dumbledore clapped his hands, and the student's became silent.  
  
"We will TOTALLY sort those who need to be TOTALLY sorted. We also have foreign exchange students that exchanged because they are foreign. They are from America. America is cool. That is why they are cool. Because they are. All of the other students who use too much hair gel and have names that begin with 'Drac' are losers and need to scrub toilets forever. Why? Because I want them to."  
  
Draco's face went pale, and he became suddenly depressed. "I do not think he meant me, but he might have." Crabbe and Goyle hugged him, "It will be alright, dear friend."  
  
Parvati walked up to Crabbe, she blushed, and walked away. Lavender did the same to Goyle, except she giggled. Harry felt sick. The food that the Great Hall was serving, hamburgers, coke, and french fries didn't help.  
  
By now he had missed the first-year sorting, but the exchange students were here.  
  
"Silken-Touch, Amethyst Ruby-Crystal Wind", Dumbledore called.  
  
She kicked Draco in the knees, Draco blushed, "You are pretty good and kicking me."  
  
She smiled, as her long silver hair floated majestically behind her. She was wearing golden jeans, that sparkled near the rhinestone tank-top. Her eyes were a mixture of ocean-blue and lavender. Harry was scared.  
  
The Sorting Hat whispered in her head, "You would do well in Slytherin. But is too hard to pronounce, so you will end up in Gryff, the rockinest-house in Hogwarts." It called out "Gryff, the rockinest-house in Hogwarts."  
  
She walked next to Harry, Harry backed away. She hit him with a kiss, "My best friend is your twin sister who moved to San Francisco. She is ugly, kind of like you."  
  
Harry shouted, "What are you talking about, you freak? Your hair is silver, and you're not even 16! Why are you coming to Hogwarts, you're from America! You Ame-Crystal Whatcha Wind Silver Creature-Thing!"  
  
"Why thank you, but my name is Princess Amethyst Crystal-Ruby Wind Silken- touch of the Lost Dimension."  
  
"There are no Kingdoms in America!"  
  
"UH.uh.yeah."  
  
Harry turned to his friend Ron, who was sticking straws up his nose.  
  
"Wharp, wharp! I am a cute little walrus! Wharp, wharp!"  
  
Harry ran to Madam Pomfrey, right after the Hat called out "Ok, Topaz, Cliff! You is in the coolest house, Griff!"  
  
Cliff had a shirt that said, "I is handsome." All the girls fainted, even Percy.  
  
Harry ran to the nurse, "Help! I'm hallucinating, everything's demented here!"  
  
He had interrupted her kissing Snape, "Ah! You's interrupt fun for my mouth! I will kill you! 10 years of detention with the dementors. And I will tell them you is Sirius Black, who I hate because he is my second cousin, twice removed and then eaten by a car."  
  
As Snape ran out, Pomfrey looked angry. "What do you want? Don't tell Flitwicky."  
  
Harry twitched, "Um.I'll just go."  
  
"No! I will help you with a problem that needs to be helped!"  
  
She shouted at him, and drank three bottles of Skele-Gro mixed with wine.  
  
Harry screamed, this was a nightmare. When he went up to his room, he shouted a guess at the password, "Balderdash!"  
  
Nothing happened.  
  
"Chocolate Frog!"  
  
Nothing happened.  
  
"What's the password?" He asked himself, outloud.  
  
The Fat Lady swung open, as Harry noted the stupid mark on her face. She had been graffitied. As he saw the terrible sight inside, he let out a stifled scream. 


	3. The Most Powerful, Beautifullerest, and ...

Author's Note blah blah blah! Here's the story, it's getting more.fanfic-like by the second. Harry just asks one thing of you, pray. Pray! PRAY!!   
  
Chapter Three: The Most Powerful and Beautifullerest and Cool  
  
Harry's eyes bulged before clamping shut. He wished he didn't witness what he did. There before him was an exact replica of himself, except for 'minor' details. She had long black hair, streaked with orange, a heart shaped scar, and emerald silver eyes with purple shadow tones. Her body was struggling to remain conscious from Cliff Topaz's extreme handsome figure, along with all the other girls.and Percy. He was grinning, and reading a thick book that said, "Things for Smart, Drop-Conscious Handsomely Peoples to Reeds".  
  
Cliff said, "Hi, is Harrya Shadow-Rose Dew Drop Potter your identical twinsister?"  
  
Harry gaped slightly at this 'Harrya', "Uh.No. I don't have any siblings. I know that I don't have siblings, my parents are dead." Harrya got up, "Jolly ho, Harry-chum. After living in a residential residence in San Francisco, I've picked up an English sounding accent that is not tellable from your distinct persona. That proves that we are genetically combobulated twins. I am smarter than Hermi, for I am your twin super sister. Voldie-dearest tried to kill me as well, but I was so smart that I used Apparation and only left with heart of love of my mom. Who is your mom, too." Her heart shaped scar glowed as she exclaimed happily while pushing her round glasses up her nose.  
  
"Oh, something bad will to be happen!" She put a hand on her forehead, black nail polish glimmered on her fingernails. Cliff grabbed her hand, "I will protect you, dearest Amethyst. You are the sun, and I am the flower that you burn to a crisp."  
  
Draco walked into the Gryffindor Common Room, holding Ginny's hand. "She was lost and I founded the Gryffindor room for hers. She is not pretty. I do not like her. I have no affection for her. So don't think that. I am a Slytherin, and I am not a sweet, misunderstood, abused boy on the inside." His eyes shifted back and forth, glimmering with tears, ten minutes later, he stopped. "I will go now." Crabbe and Goyle started singing opera, and left as well.  
  
"Dissapear-io back to Slytherin Common Room-Io!" Harry ran away from the disturbed common room, and up to his dorm. Neville wasn't there, for he had been replaced by a exchange student, to Harry's horror. Harry assumed it was because poor Neville had nothing to do with the plot, he wished he had someone intelligent to talk to, Neville would be a fresh breath of air compared to these people. Neville probably went to marry a house-elf, or something in this messed-up world.  
  
"Greetings. I am Wiz-Kid of the Galactic Alliance, Level 7. I have a wizard computer, I had a muggle one at home when I did not know I was a wizard, like Gandalf in that cool movie. I am not a nerd." Wiz-Kid moved his mowhawk out of his eyes, it was bright blue, his eyes were cherry-silver. He was a "Mark-Sue".  
  
Harry watched Wiz-Kid play Wizard Tetris, two things on his mind. One was how he could have a computer at Hogwarts, the other, how he could get past level 10 on that game. And a third thing, WHY!?!!  
  
Suddenly, he decided to the run away to the feast, not contemplating escape any longer, he was starving. Dumbledore announced a horrendous fact at the feast of pizza, "There will be a Really Cool Dance where you have to get Really Cool Dates who you like and are too embarrassed to ask, so you stand there the whole time. All girls musts where ugly dresses, and the guys have to wears anything pink. Have fun at the cool dance which is Friday, the day of Fri!"  
  
Everybody looked in different directions, with heart-shaped eyes. Harrya's scar flashed, and Ron put a bowl on his head. "I am a Skater Dude. See me fly."  
  
Meanwhile, Ginny was deciding a fact that would change her life. She ran outside, away from the common room, fixing her hair. Draco had saved her from Snape's vampire attack, but she would still risk it.for true, etermal love. Something like that.  
  
She raced outside of the Hogwarts Castle, two large shadowy figures grunted a hello. They glared at her, she whipped around to face them.  
  
"I haven't made my decision."  
  
"But the dance is so soon!" "Well, it's hard to choose. I know I'm the Chosen One, and I'm destined to marry one of you. But I am so beautiful, I don't know who deserves me more."  
  
The two figures nodded, and slithered and slouched out of the hallway. Snape ran towards her, "Where is Harry and Harrya? I am just wondering."  
  
Ginny quizzically looked, and burst into song, "Oh, Harry, dear Harry, the big-headed boy, he is in the common room, yeah, yeah-oi!"  
  
Snape rushed to the common room, with a small wrapped gift. Somehow, he got in the common room.  
  
"Snape? What are you doing here? You can't take any points off me!" Harry saw the gift, and began to edge away. Snape couldn't be in love with him, but in this world, the possibilities.  
  
"Harry, I am your father."  
  
Harry's eyes blanked out, "No you're not! Don't insult me mum like that!"  
  
Snape sighed, "It was in a cave, I was going to bit her in the neck, because I are's a vampire. She and I.then you were born. Your sister who is not my kid."  
  
Harry backed up slowly, and dashed out of the room to the library. Snape fell to his knees, "No!! Dear son of holiness, please return!" He dropped the wrapped present, it was a baseball glove and a baseball. "I thought we could play some catch before I give you detention! Say 'Hi' to Grampy Dumbledore!"  
  
Harry raced towards the Library, he couldn't take much more of this, he rushed inside. At least he could get some silence here, he picked up a book, written inside, "Gee, I is a cool spell book. Explode-io explodes things. But only things that can be exploded. Like heads, and pens." Harry snapped it shut, and his ears picked up,  
  
"Ok! Who's the greatest team we know? Gryff! Gryff! Gryff! Go, Fight, Beat That Team! Defeat Uncool Snake of Silver and Green! We is great, we is good, Slytherin is not they are's dumb and means and not cool cuz Draco is in that team! So let's rip dat snak from limb to limb!"  
  
Hermione led the Gryffindor Cheerleaders, wearing a short red and gold plaid skirt with a matching halter top. Her pompoms waved in the air, as the others followed behind. Even Percy.  
  
A girl ran up to Harry, with greenish pink hair, and dazzling greenish gold eyes, that appeared to have magic powers and psychic purple cat-pupils. "I am Psychic, I love you. Will you's go to da dance wit me?"  
  
Amethyst Ruby-Crystal Wind Silken-Touch, Princess of the Lost Dimension, jumped out of nowhere, "Do not go with her, go wit me's! She is a stupid Draco-lover, I am your destiny." She shot fire out of her silky hands, and laughed with her plump lips as that Psychic girl ran around with her butt on fire.  
  
Harry ignored them, and ran away. Ginny ran towards him, shifting her eyes back and forth, and blushing. Then she started to cry, "I am the Chosen One! You must help me choose who I will marry at the ball! I must marry either..", and Harry shook his head, he wasn't surprised at this strange statement, for everything here was messed up anyway. But still, her choices were horrible, and unexpected. Even for here. 


	4. The Grosserest Choices in Da World

A/N: Ok..here it goes  
  
Chapter Four: The Grosserest Choices In Da World!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Harry nodded to Ginny, "Uh.It's alright. I won't tell anyone." Harry dashed away, promising to keep the secret, after all, he wasn't going to talk to any of these messed-up morons anyway.  
  
Nearby, Blaise Zambini hears the secret with his super-powered hearing-ness. He is snonking with Draco. Draco, even though his tongue is in someone else's mouth, smiles. "What was that secret secret I heard you hearing?"  
  
Blaise blushes.  
  
"And are you a boy or a girl?"  
  
"Alright. I admit it. I heard."  
  
Draco sneered with interest as Blaise whispered in his ear.  
  
"NO! I want to marry Ginny because I want to. I am really nice inside", he started to sing, "I am just a sad, abused boy that my father does not love. Everyone hates me", his lip trembling. "Why me? Why do I have to be my father's son? I want to be free of my tormented soul."  
  
Blaise had already left, and was snonking a suit of armor.  
  
Draco jumped to the top of the castle, and started singing, "Loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooove, is eterrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrnal. Yooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooou arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeee myyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy trueeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee loveeeeeeeeeee, Harryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy-I mean, Ginnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnny."  
  
His eyes shifted back and forth for ten minutes before continuing and fell lovingly on Harry, but continued anyways.  
  
The Giant Squid burst from the sky, grabbed Draco, put a cork in his mouth, and locked him in the highest tower. Hermione screamed, "Draco, Draco! Let down your hair!"  
  
But Draco's hair was too greasy so she slipped, fell, and broke both legs and arms. Then she got better because she fixed herself. Meanwhile.  
  
The Giant Squid roared to Ginny, it was wearing a tuxedo and carrying a white rose, with Draco's hair grease on it. Ginny realized it at once, "No! Did you heard Drack-y poo?" The Giant Squid gurgled, and tried to kiss her. "I love you! But remember what I said earlier? You must decide at the feast! Me, or that dead basilisk!"  
  
Ginny was scared, and flew away on a magic pony called, "Magic Pony."  
  
Harry heard Draco's song, and finally felt sick. Suddenly, the ball changed to tomorrow! 200 girls and 200 boys asked him, and so did Dobby and Draco who peered from his magic tower.  
  
Ron runs up to Harry in Black robes, with "I eats death" on it. Harry gasped, "Don't ask me to the ball. Please."  
  
Ron shook his head, scowling. "I am not here to kill you. I am not a Death Eater. I will not betray even though I have always been ignored and hated and secretly wishing Voldemort would adopt me. Which he didn't do. Yes. Goodbye."  
  
Ron ran away quickly. Hermione appeared.  
  
"Ok! What's the greatest school you know? Hogwarts Hogwarts! What's the school that never win? Hogwarts Hogwarts! Uh.always win! What's the school with the dumbest cheerleaders? Not this one! Because we's smart and cool. Hogwarts is better than slytherin!"  
  
The cheerleading squad left a very traumatized Harry behind. Suddenly the exchange students appeared, all 50 ½ of them. One girl appeared, "I is Real Psychic. And has seen the future! You will marry, but not me. It might be Draco, or Amethyst, or Hermione, or Snape-y poo."  
  
Harry screamed and ran as fast as he could. He blinked, and it was tomorrow.  
  
He was dressed in an orange tuxedo, with pale polka-dot and stripe blue tie, and a pea green checkered shirt. Draco was wearing a beautiful gold ballroom gown. With a flower in his hair. Ginny was wearing a black spiky dress. She was crying, mascara was running down past her spike heels.  
  
She jumped on the stage, "I am the Chosen One!"  
  
Everyone gasped, some people fainted. Cliff Topaz continued to grin, they had fainted because of him. No one was listening to Ginny. He was wearing a Speedo and a bow tie. He didn't appear to notice anything wrong. Dumbledore shook his head, "Ah! The truth comes out!"  
  
Ginny solemnly nodded, "My choice is.-" Then! Suddenly! Two figures in the crowd ripped off their masks, one was the dead basilisk and the other was the Giant Squid.  
  
"UH.you are both so good. I will see who's a better dancer."  
  
The Giant Squid rushed to her, and picked her up in his tentacles. The dead Basilisk just lay on the floor looking romantic.  
  
"Oh, Bassy! You are so handsomely! "  
  
The Giant Squid frowned. "No's! I wished to be yours husband-ness!"  
  
Ginny cried, and hugged the dead basilisk carcass.  
  
She started dancing with the dead body, it smiled and it's bloody eyes (filled with love) dripped out. The other guests continued with the ball, Blaise had a boy on one arm, and a girl on the other. That way, when it found out what gender it was, it could choose.  
  
After three hours of dancing with a dead body, Ginny danced with the squid. Draco suddenly appears in front of Harry, and snonks him passionately. Harry tries to squirm away. Amethyst pushed Draco away, and jumped on his face. Harry ran away, spitting rapidly and muttering, "Nasty, yucky.ich." He was at the point of nervous collapse. Or suicide. Whichever came first.  
  
Then Ginny announced, "My choice is..." 


	5. Draco Reveals His Most Secretness Secret

A/N: I am soooooooo glad that the public is enjoying this. I'd like to thank Furious Yak, the CO-AUTHOR of this story!!!  
  
Chapter Five: Draco Reveals His Most Secretness Secret  
  
Ginny stuttered, "My choice is.", no one was really listening except the Giant Squid. Cliff Topaz was adjusting his Speedo, while Amethyst was defending the school from an attack of vampire ninja yaks with her super- beam-o eye powers. The Giant Squid's tentacles raised in hopeful desire, "Ginny. Please. I.love you."  
  
Ginny starts crying, "I.like yous lots, buts me's heart rests with da Dead Basilisk-y. I am so sorries we couldn't bes togethers forevers." Suddenly, Draco appeared out of nowhere.  
  
"Nooooooooooooooooooooo! Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut Ginnyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! Your cholestrol! Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" He lunges towards her, but trying to block her from the sight of McD's food. She ate the McNuggets, and suddenly, she stooped over, and began to die. Her heart exploded from love and cholestrol.  
  
Meanwhile, Draco wipes his eyes with a silk hanky with his name embroidered. "My dearest Harry.I mean, Gin-Gin! Why did you have to die? Why?" Draco walks away singing, and kisses Harry on the cheek. "We must go through these traumatizing events together!" Draco ran away to look for more hair grease.  
  
Harry couldn't take it anymore, ran to the bathroom, and threw up. Again. And Again. And Again. And after washing his cheek until it was raw. Amethyst came in, "No! You must not hide! Let's join the fun!"  
  
Suddenly they were in the Great Hall. The dancers were dancing. Suddenly, due to Amethyst's disapperance, the vampire ninja yaks were in the Great Hall! Dancing! Minutes later, they were doing the hokey-pokey. All the Sue's of all sorts were kissing the yaks, and main characters. Blaise had a yak on one arm, and a girl on the other, and a boy on a leash. That way, when he found out what he was, he could choose.  
  
The Giant Squid roared out in anger!  
  
"NO! GINNY!! IT IS ALL THE BASILISK'S FAULT!" He ate the Basilisk and jumped to the tip of the ceiling and started eating people. He temporarily had indigestion from one of the sues, but his squid heart was too full of viral love sickness to care.  
  
That was when the panic started, everyone ran into their true love's arms. Draco looked for Harry, Harry hid under the punch table immediately. Hermione looked around, and decided on a yak. She lost her notebook which had the schedule of true loves, and Ron angrily looked for Harry so he could turn him over to the Dark Lord. Harry looked beside him, and suddenly found a way out. 


	6. There Is Maybes A Ways Out

Chapter Six: There Is Maybes A Ways Out  
  
Harry crouched under the punch table, and saw Wiz Kid sitting there, typing on his computer. "Wiz?"  
  
"Yeah Dude?"  
  
"Uh.why are you under the punch table?"  
  
"Why are you?"  
  
"Good point."  
  
Then as Wiz finally got the high score in Wizard Tetris, he said "I be thinksed dat I's will totally rad now dude-in check my website, yeah g-dawg in."  
  
After Harry interpretated that, a lightbulb popped over his head, and then fell on him. Nevertheless, he still had an idea.  
  
"Wait? You can go online!?"  
  
"Yeah, duh g-dawg! I go to The Wiz Wide Web, wheres I checkis my chat with Harry Potter fans."  
  
Harry smiled, but shuddered at his statement. "Wait.can I check something?"  
  
"Why sure Harry Dawg! Here!"  
  
Harry grabbed the labtop, and started typing in the address. "Found it! Come on! Come on!" He hadn't used computers much, but he knew that this was loading slowly. About ten minutes.  
  
Suddenly, all the Sue's, squids, yaks, and anyone important, even Percy, started monotously chanting. "Harry.Kill..Harry.Snonk.Harry.Love.Harry.Kiss.Harry.Destroy." Harry looked back, and screamed. He kept clicking faster, and the pop-up ads came. The frilly curtain on the table was confusing them, but he could hear the voices. His "twin" ran towards him, and crashed into the curtain, "I is finding de magic crystal amulet that contains Mom and Dad! There souls are froze in the cold of it! But because we are the chosen ones to free them, we shall free them!"  
  
Suddenly, the table flipped over since Percy fainted in the punch bowl. Harry ran away from the Draco-led cult chants, as he rushed away, trying to find his way through the narrow halls.  
  
Harry was panting, "Yes! Four more minutes!" Lost in his slow-speed internet connection, Harry ran into Snape. "Ah!"  
  
Snape started crying, "You interrupts more fun for me's mouth! But I wills forgive you since I have something to tell you."  
  
Harry tried to get around him, but ran into Hermione. Hermione whimpered, "Oh, Snape. Kiss me again!"  
  
Harry's eyes widened in horror, he felt like he was throwing up, but it was only a few more minutes. Snape kneeled on one knee, with a birthday card.  
  
"Harry. I am sorry I has not beens dere for you. Here is birthday card for alls I have missed. Harry, I am your father."  
  
Harry looked confused, "Wait! You told me this, but if my parents are trapped in that amulet-thing. Which they're NOT, how can you be my father. Which you're NOT. These plots are conflicting. Why?"  
  
Snape's eyed flicked back and forth, "Shut up. That's why. Nooooooooooooo." Hermione had just died of poison from the yak, "I will go whip up an antidote out of my easy-bake oven! I must go and wash my hair, as well!"  
  
Harry stepped over Hermione's corpse, and started racing for the North Tower. Oliver raced after him, "Even though I already graduated, stay and practice Quidditch! Forever! We have new seeker. Now we have two seeker. Come seeker. Go seeker. Run seeker."  
  
Harry had already raced down the hall, "C'mon.two more minutes.two!"  
  
The squid's tentacles were filling up the halls, even opposite ends. The squid knocked out the roof, and purple rain started to fall. The squid was about to kill Harry for being Ginny's true real kind-of love.  
  
"You is die, Harry!"  
  
Harry only had to wait one more minute, "Wait!"  
  
Suddenly getting an idea, "I is not.Harry Potter? Yes.I is.your twin brother."  
  
The squid gasped, "I is so sorry, twin brother. I wills leave you alone." The squid ran away, and finally the connection came.  
  
"Yes! Home-free!" He clicked the link, as the Mary-Sue's and everyone else, even Percy, clawed at his legs. "Stay.Harry." Ron was about to dark-mark Harry's leg, as Harry tried to kick him away. Suddenly, there was a swirling light.He was back.  
  
A/N: There is still one more chapter! Stay tuned! Just one more! There * might * even be a sequel! 


	7. Harry Potter Learns Touch Typing

A/N: LOOK OUT FOR THE SEQUEL!! That's all!  
  
Chapter Seven: Harry Learns Touch-Typing  
  
Harry panted as the spinning swivel chair slowed down. He looks at his watch, That was only thirty seconds!?! Maybe it was a dream.  
  
He felt the weight of Wiz's laptop on his knee, and wiped his cheek - lipstick, his robes had a birthday card from Snape in the pocket, and yak hair was on his shoes. That was no dream. Picking up his new laptop, he rushed into his room.  
  
Uncle Vernon walked up to Harry, twitching violently. "You're rather suspicious. But don't tell that godfather of yours that you were left alone. You weren't, anyway." He left to go look for any possible damage done to the house.  
  
Harry gasped, and brought the laptop out from under the covers of his tiny bed. He searched for Harry Potter and the Really Bad Fanfic online, there was only one Harry Potter fanfic on the internet. He sighed with relief, he would never go through that torture again.  
  
Suddenly, Harry had an idea. He typed as quickly as he could, a screen-name flashed against his. Harry chose I_Lived, the other name was Dark_Lord. The little IM appeared on the screen.  
  
Dark_LordSo you're back  
  
I_LivedYeah, that was really.traumatizing. So terrible that I -  
  
Dark_LordYes?  
  
I_LivedI thank you for your mercy  
  
Dark_LordWhat?  
  
Harry smirked, and thought of Wormtail's use of pathetic adjectives. Voldemort wasn't as smart as he thought, if Harry could trick him. Like he was now.  
  
I_Lived I am but a useless worm, I realized how weak I was compared to you. I understand you have the power to rule, it is no use fighting against you.  
  
Dark_LordYou finally got some sense in you, Potter  
  
I_LivedYes, please punish me for my insolence, when I join.  
  
Dark_LordJoin? I_LivedOf course, you are so mighty, I am so.not. Let me join you, oh Great One. One who shall never die, One who deserves all he receives  
  
Harry laughed out loud, but he was feeding Voldemort's ego. Dudley banged on the wall,  
  
"Shut-up!"  
  
Harry calmed down, and looked at the response.  
  
Dark_LordVery well, oh devoted servant. You must find a way to transfer this statement in writing to me. The wizarding world must know their last hope is gone, I shall display this message in the stars, so all will know. I shall send Wormtail.  
  
I_LivedNo! Too obvious, Dumbledore has his crooked nose over my house at all times. How about an e-mail? Although so muggle. I spit at that word.  
  
Dark_LordVery well, servent. I shall punish you later, send it now. Or else I will change my mind.  
  
I_LivedI want to put it in my own words. Hold on..  
  
Four hours later, Harry finished his masterpiece. A tear ran down his cheek, he knew this was the end. He sent it over  
  
I_Lived::LINK::  
  
He saw Voldemort's screen-name click on the link, and a tear ran down his cheek, he knew this was the beginning...  
  
SEQUEL COMING SOON 


End file.
